The situation: LDR with essentially the most perfect person on Earth for two years. Simultaneously the happiest and saddest two years I've known - no one made me happier (even despite the sporadic, silly bickering), but the exhausting emotional heaviness that is being apart from a loved one for such a duration was beyond words. Were very serious about a future together; a lifetime. Had a regular “discussion about life, etc” talk in July within which it was constituted that it will be a longer wait than initially anticipated for us to be able to live together. (We are both students, which complicates the situation considerably. It wouldn’t be for another ~two years that we would both be finished with school/able to pursue additional schooling/work in either country.)

The outcome: Maybe it was something of a bout of temporary madness/impatience/stubbornness or maybe it was something that has been brewing beneath the surfaces, but I decided to end the relationship a week after said discussion in late July. I loved him immensely, as he did me, but .. timing in life is a fickle thing, and it was not on our side. The first two years without him were hard enough, but to wait another two years? .. To see what, how we would gradually fall apart over time? We had a very strong relationship, and yes, “we could still always visit each other”, but -- call it pessimism or aggressive realism – another two years apart would have been the beginning of the end. One can only wonder what kind of madness those two years would have brought and the ways in which something would have ultimately destroyed us. Isn’t it better to have just… called this a matter of circumstance and to have ended it while we only have good memories to reflect upon?

The result: Heartwrenching messages from him until late September about how this is a mistake and how “if I truly loved him, I wouldn’t have given up this easily.” He will not (“does not know how”) to remain civil friends with one another as he still has feelings for me, and despite having the same feelings for him, we ... cannot go back to how things were. What would it solve? What would have changed?

The pain: Incredible. I really do miss him every day. But even if it were a good idea to get back together.. it's.. too much time has already gone by. It's already too late; it wouldn't be right.


The dilemma: the little voice inside my head (which probably was created upon watching one too many ridiculous Hollywood films) which persistently asks, “.. but what if?” What if, just like you made it through the first two years, you made it through the next two as well? You grew closer and stronger every day- what if there is no freak reversal of this, and what if it were to continue? What if, despite all alleged better judgment, you tried to make it work?

The question: My dear fellow posters... what do I do? Any morsel of semi-sane advice – please, enlighten me.

…
The apology: I’m sorry for the ungodly overuse of curt sentences above. Ironically enough, I thought they would make this post less hideous in length… Oops.



EDIT: As I hit enter, an Internet ad pops up for a (scam-alicious) "movie deal" pops up. Main movie being advertised? Snow Falling on Cedars. Tagline? .. "First loves last. Forever."


(Please, .. help me so that Ethan Hawke's movies don't mock this melodrama of mine for the rest of my life.)